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Empowered Conflict Resolution Journal

Innovative Commentary on Conflict… and Motion Pictures

THEN WE WILL FIGHT IN THE SHADE…..

By Darren Hart on Posted in Uncategorized

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” ~ T.S. Eliot

Have you ever seen the 2006 movie “300″?  I had to watch it a few times before I fully appreciated how powerful a ‘story’ it is; powerful that is, for the message the movie conveys in it’s dialogue and characters, not the extreme gory violence message which at times is distracting.  In 300, King Leonides (Gerard Butler) and a force of 300 Spartan men fight the mighty and seeming invincible Persians at Thermopylae in 480 B.C.  They are an extraordinary group of soldiers, highly skilled, fearless and willing to die for their cause.  In addition to this, they are the most optimistic group I have ever seen on the silver screen.

One of my favorite scenes is the dialogue that transpires between King Leonides and his lieutenant, Dilios (David Wenham), after Dilios has lost his eye in battle.  It goes as follows:

[Dilios is putting a patch over his eye]

King Leonidas: Dilios, I trust that “scratch” hasn’t made you useless.

Dilios: Hardly, my lord, it’s just an eye. The gods saw fit to grace me with a spare.

And another one of my favorite scenes concludes with the incredibly optimistic line delivered by the Spartan soldier Stelios (Michael Fassbender) for which this blog post is entitled:

And finally the movie concludes with Dilios leading the entire Spartan army and the larger Greek army against the Persians stating the following:

Dilios: The enemy outnumber us a paltry three to one, good odds for any Greek. This day we rescue a world from mysticism and tyranny and usher in a future brighter than anything we can imagine.

[puts on his helmet]

Dilios: Give thanks, men, to Leonidas and the brave 300! TO VICTORY!

[the Greek army roars and charges]

It is the optimism expressed throughout 300 that I particularly love about this movie, optimism in the face of worst case scenarios that involve certain death.  One of the ways that I maintain an optimistic approach to life is to recall Day 6 of my climb up Mount Kilimanjaro whenever I am faced with a difficult situation or challenge.  You see Day 6 was the most trying experience of my life physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  To this day I do not know how I made it through Day 6 and was then able to summit in the early morning hours of Day 7.  I sincerely thought I was going to die…. Thus, I am absolutely convinced that since I made it through Day 6, I can make it through anything.  And I know you can too!!!

As Kelly Clarkson says: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

DESIGN YOUR LIFE

By Darren Hart on Posted in Empowerment, Motion Pictures

“This is YOUR world.  SHAPE IT or some one else WILL.”
~ Gary Lew

“Finish each day and be done with it.  You have done what you could.  Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can.  Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.”
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Courage is being scared to death…. and saddling up anyway.”
~ John Wayne

In the 1933 romantic comedy “Design for Living“, which was based on a Noel Coward play, a woman cannot decide between two men who love her, and the the trio agree to try living together in Paris in a platonic friendly relationship.  The trio consists of the characters Gilda (Miriam Hopkins), Tom (Fredric March) and George (Gary Cooper).  The movie was very well received by audiences, being one of the top 10 grossing films in it’s year of release, notwithstanding it’s ‘menage a trois’ undertone which was very risqué for it’s day.  Not surprisingly, Gilda eventually becomes intimately involved separately and secretly with both Tom and George and due to her inability to make a decision regarding the two and racked with guilt and wanting to be a “good” girl, she takes the cowardly and so-called safe way out by marrying her ever pursuing stable boss Max (Edward Everett Horton) which ends in complete disaster.

Gilda’s initial insightful justification for entering into the trio is noted in the following statement that she makes in the movie: “A thing happened to me that usually happens to men.  You see, a man can meet two, three or four women and fall in love with all of them, and then, by a process of interesting elimination, he is able to decide which he prefers.  But a woman must decide purely on instinct, guesswork, if she wants to be considered nice.”

One of the statements that Max makes to Gilda to convince her to marry him, playing on her confusion, indecision and insecurity, is “Immorality may be fun, but it isn’t fun enough to take the place of one hundred percent virtue and three square meals a day.”

Gilda realizes that she has made a huge mistake by marrying Max, has not taken control of her life and designed it as she would have liked, on her wedding night, as evidenced in the following dialogue between she and Max:

Max: “Do you love me?”

Gilda: “Oh, Max, people should not ask that question on their wedding night.  It’s either too late or too early.”

As a result of her thinking becoming more clear and deciding that she does want to design her life and be proactive and not simply exist or react to life, Gilda garners up some courage and begins to take charge again and does not consummate the marriage to Max.  In fact, she eventually ends up going back to both Tom and George, rekindling their ‘unique’ but purposely shaped life!!

While the outcome in the movie “Design for Living” is likely not the ultimate, right outcome for most people, it does help to illustrate that we are all individuals, unique and MUST have the courage to SHAPE OUR OWN LIVES if we truly want to be happy.  No one else can do it for us.  In this regard, I recommend that you have a look at the book “Design Your Life” by Tom Ferry and Laura Morton.  It is a great resource to start you on the road to gathering the courage to take control and design your own life!!

 

WHAT WE THINK, WE BECOME

By Darren Hart on Posted in Empowerment, Motion Pictures, Self-Actualization

Politics aside, if you have not already seen it, watch “The Iron Lady” with Meryl Streep as the former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. Not only is Ms. Streep’s performance once again outstanding and the movie tremendously well written, but you get to see many powerful, inspiring and moving scenes of someone determined to make a real difference in this world, someone who achieved their full potential and then some!!!

My favorite scene in the movie is when Ms. Thatcher is being interviewed by her doctor about how she is “feeling”. It is during this interview that Ms. Thatcher clearly and articulately, notwithstanding her failing mental health, confirms what is important to her – “Thoughts and Ideas” – not feelings….

Ms. Thatcher’s statement about what we need to be “watching” and what “we become” is worth repeating. She states:

” – Watch your thoughts for they become words.

- Watch your words for they become actions.

- Watch your actions for they become habits.

- Watch your habits for they become your character.

- Watch your character for it becomes your destiny.

- What we think, we become.”

EMPOWERMENT begins in thought. It is initially expressed in words, then actions, then habits and yes it does become your character, your destiny. We are and we accomplish what we think about. So watch your thoughts. Don’t let them become cluttered with disempowering ideas or fears. Keep your thoughts focused, clear, positive and full of all the opportunities, abundance and good that life has to offer. Refuse to see, accept or THINK ABOUT anything but the silver lining in every experience. And MAKE YOUR LIFE MATTER!!

As the character Auntie Mame, as played by Rosalind Russell, says in the 1958 movie of the same name: “Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death so live, live, LIVE!!!”

THE FALL WILL PROBABLY KILL YOU…

By Darren Hart on Posted in Conflict, Emotional Intelligence, Empowerment, Motion Pictures

Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.”

– Robert F. Kennedy

“The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.”

– Ulysses S. Grant

“Give people what they want and they will like you for now. Give people what they need and they will value you forever.”

– Simon Sinek

True friendship, those friendships that will stand the test of time and life’s events, is founded upon a WILLINGNESS TO TAKE RISKS (to be vulnerable), TRUST, COMMITMENT, SELFLESSNESS and GRATITUDE!! Fair weather friendships, those that only thrive in good times are not real friendships at all. They are superficial at best and manipulative or deceitful at worse. True friendship strengthens and deepens with life’s challenges. In fact, challenges in life are opportunities for true friendship to bloom, to be the time or period of greatest beauty in human relations. So often though, and unfortunately so, this opportunity is lost and it is lost due to a weak foundation in the so-called friendship, a lack of clarity as to what one wants and stands for and a low level of self and social awareness, what is commonly referred to today as EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE or EQ.

More and more experts are maintaining that EQ, not IQ, is a better indicator of success in life and relationships. The good news is, that unlike IQ, EQ can improve and the higher your EQ, the better and more empowered you will be, particularly when facing life’s challenges and conflict and the better chance you will have at developing true friendships and truly experiencing THE MOMENTS OF LIFE!!

If you want to learn more about EQ, I strongly recommend that you have a look at the book EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE 2.0 by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves.

 

LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL

By Darren Hart on Posted in Conflict, Empowerment, Motion Pictures

“The world is your mirror and your mind is a magnet. What you perceive in this world is largely a reflection of your own attitudes and beliefs. Life will give you what you attract with your thoughts. Think, act and talk negatively and your world will be negative. Think, act and talk with enthusiasm and you will attract positive results.”  ~ Michael LeBeuf

 

In the 1997 Italian film, “Life is Beautiful“, a Jewish Italian, Guido Orefice (Roberto Benigni), must employ his positive and enthusiastic approach to life and his incredible imagination to save and protect his family during their internment in a Nazi concentration camp. Guido shields his 4 year old son, Giosue (Giorgio Cantarini), from the horrors of the camp and keeps his spirit up by convincing him that the camp is a game in which the first person to get 1,000 points wins a tank! In this first video, Guido translates and explains the rules of the Camp / Game…..

Benigni, who co-wrote the film, got the name for the film from a quote by Leon Trotsky. While in exile in Mexico, knowing he was about to be killed by Stalin’s assassins, Trotsky gazed for the last time upon his wife in the garden and wrote: “In spite of everything, life is beautiful”.

Life IS beautiful when we approach each day, moment, opportunity and challenge with enthusiasm and a commitment to seeing the ‘silver lining’ in everything that comes our way and I mean everything, especially conflict!!

In this second video, the final scene in the film, upon the liberation of the concentration camp by the Allied Forces, we see the outcome of the ‘game’ for the young Giosue…..

 

DESIRE, JUSTICE and FAITH

By Darren Hart on Posted in Bullies, Conflict, Justice, Motion Pictures

“If you are going through hell, keep going.”

– Winston Churchill

In the highly acclaimed 1982 Paul Newman movie the “Verdict“, Mr. Newman’s character, Frank Galvin, a washed-up, alcoholic, third rate attorney, takes on a seemingly unwinnable medical malpractice case. In addition to being up against two defendant doctors with deep pockets he must deal with a highly sophisticated, experienced and “win at all costs” defense team led by James Mason’s character, Ed Conacannon, and an extremely corrupt jurist in the character of Judge Hoyle (Milo O’Shea) who throws up every obstacle he can in Frank Galvin’s path to justice for his terribly wronged client.

In his closing submission and appeal to the jury, Frank Galvin does not review the evidence of the case, or advocate a theory, or claim from the plaintiff’s position what happened and how the defendants were negligent and dishonest and in fact criminal in their attempts to cover up their liability. Instead, Frank Galvin appeals to the jury’s inherent sense of justice. He suggests that all of us go through periods of being lost, doubt ourselves and our institutions, and think of ourselves as victims and we thus become victims. However, notwithstanding this, Frank Galvin asserts that each of us is born with and maintains throughout our respective lives, the DESIRE to be just. He believes that JUSTICE is in our hearts. He maintains that to tap into this justice we must have FAITH. To have faith in justice, we have to believe in ourselves and “act with justice.”

Here is Frank Galvin’s summation to the jury and their responsive verdict:

Against all odds, Frank Galvin is victorious and justice is achieved. The jury acted with justice and the terrible wrong is righted. I love this movie. It is the ultimate David and Goliath story. As those who follow my blog know, I especially love it when bullies are defeated.

I, like Frank Galvin, believe we all inherently desire to be just because we have justice in our hearts. I also believe that none of us are victims unless we think it. And, I have faith that as we become increasingly empowered and fully appreciate the personal growth that occurs through life’s many conflicts, that we will never be victims and will always act with justice.

To conclude this blog post, please have a look at the following inspirational quotes:

 

Path To Empowerment

By Darren Hart on Posted in Conflict, Empowerment, Uncategorized

“Conflict is the pursuit of truth.”

– Patrick Lencioni

You are EMPOWERED when:

1.  You do not need external sources of love or approval.
2.  You know who you are and what you stand for and love who you are and what you stand for.
3.  Your ideas primarily govern your actions not your emotions.
4.  You have a developed an unshakeable set of values and act according to them.
5.  Your life is about adding value to the world and you are prepared to sacrifice self for this.
6.  You have a number of key behaviors which likely include some or all of the following:
     a) you seek truth before comfort
     b) you never let anyone, thing or situation
          undermine your confidence;
     c) you are forgiving of others and yourself;
     d) you are vulnerable with those who look up to you;
     e) you stand up to and hold people accountable on manipulative behavior,
          including bullyism, victimhood and indifference;
     f) you are goal driven but live in the moment;
     g) you take full responsibility for your life experience no matter what;
     h) you are always growing, evolving and getting better.
7.  You have PURPOSE!!!

If you are internally conflicted or unsure about who you are, what you stand for, what makes you happy and what your purpose is, you are not alone you are merely on the PATH TO EMPOWERMENT and in PURSUIT OF TRUTH about you. Some questions to ask yourself and to ponder are:

A.  Who am I? Do I have honest, objective perspective of myself?

B.  Do I like me? Do I need approval from others to like myself or be emotionally at peace?

C.  Do I take full responsibility for all of my actions, good and bad?

D.  Am I manipulative or a bully or a victim or indifferent? Do I recognize these behaviors in others? Can I hold myself or others accountable on such behaviors?

E.  Can I say “NO”?

F.  What makes me happy? (should not be dependent on a specific person or persons)

G.  Am I forgiving? Do I look for the good in others?

H.  Am I goal driven? If not, why not?

I.  How do I contribute to a better world?

J.  Do I have values and do I live according to them?

K.  What is my PURPOSE?

Remember, empowerment is NOT about regression, stagnation, pity parties or cowardice. It IS about courage and freedom, growth and evolution, taking responsibility, achieving your full potential, having purpose, adding value to the world, being excited for each new day, new opportunity and challenge and every new acquaintance. And conflict, the pursuit of truth, is the means to empower you, to get you there. So WELCOME CONFLICT, see it’s silver lining, learn from it and grow.

As I have commented on the “PATH” to empowerment I leave you here with Al Pacino’s famous speech about taking the “RIGHT PATH” in the movie “Scent of A Woman“.

 

Bullyism, Victimhood and Indifference

By Darren Hart on Posted in Bullies, Empowerment, Motion Pictures

You can never solve a problem at the level you are operating at.”

- Albert Einstein

To help illustrate my commentary on bullyism, victimhood and indifference, I am referencing two scenes from the movie “West Side Story”.  The first scene is the duet between Tony and Maria singing the song “Somewhere” and the second scene is the final, climatic, Romeo and Julliette ending in the movie.

 

The character Maria identifies “hatred” as the cause of conflict between the rival gangs, the Jets and the Sharks; however, HATRED is only a bi-product, a symptom of what is in fact causing the conflict.  If you really want to understand and solve the conflict, you must dig deeper and appreciate what lies under the surface. As noted in early blog posts, the real underlying problem and cause is INFERIORITY!!  Bullyism and victimhood are the means in which human nature typically seeks the emotionally relieving cure of SUPERIORITY which ultimately continues and usually escalates conflict.

Bullyism and Victimhood both seek the exact same end but use different means.  They both seek relief from the emotional pain caused by feelings of inferiority.  They both seek to replace such feelings of inferiority with feelings of superiority. The are both aggressive in their nature, victimhood obviously more passive, and they are both immature, un-evolved and highly destructive manipulative behaviors.  Both bullyism and victimhood retard the evolution and growth of the individual and the human race.

Bullyism is much more obvious as compared to Victimhood but not necessarily any more dangerous.  Both come from a strong sense and position of entitlement.  Both seek to dominate and control, sometimes by any means and both are prevalent in our society.  Why?  Because feelings of inferiority are prevalent and often the norm for most people.

To profoundly progress as a society we must individually and collectively effectively address Bullyism and Victimhood and their underlying cause, Inferiority.  To do this, we must become EMPOWERED, first individually and then second together as a group.  And to become fully empowered (self-actualized; achieving our full potential) we must, as part of the process, address the disease of INDIFFERENCE which fuels bullyism and victimhood.

I use the word “disease” to describe indifference as it stands for “dis-ease” or “lack of ease”.  When you are indifferent, you are not at ease.  You feel uneasy, often guilty, but at a minimum not quite right.  I also use the word “disease’ as it has a direct connection to “contagion” and indifference is also highly contagious.  Indifference is extremely mesmerizing and dangerous!!

We will tackle INDIFFERENCE more in later blog posts. For now I want to leave you with Ghandi’s “Top 10 Fundementals for Changing the World” all of which lead to EMPOWERMENT:

1.  Change Yourself.

2.  You are in Control.

3.  Forgive and Forget.

4.  Persist.

5.  Live in the Moment.

6.  Everyone is Human.

7.  See Good in Everyone.

8.  Take Action.

9.  Grow and Evolve.

10.  Be Authentic.

 

Inferiority and Superiority

By Darren Hart on Posted in Bullies

My commentary on the 1961 movie musical West Side Story, as it relates to feelings of inferiority and superiority, continues…

The following is the scene in the Playground with the police after a tussle between the rival gangs – the Jets and the Sharks!!

Lieutenant Schrank (Simon Oakland): All right, wise guys.  Now you listen to me.  All of ya!  You hoodlums don’t own these streets.  And I’ve had all the roughhouse I’m gonna put up with around here!  You wanna kill each other, kill each other!  But you ain’t gonna do it on my beat.  Are there any questions?

Bernardo (George Chakiris): Yes sir. Would you mind translating that into Spanish?

Lieutenant Schrank: Get your… friends outta here Bernardo. And stay out!

[Mock charm] Please.

Bernardo: Okay, Sharks. *Vaminos.* [Leaves with his gang]

Lieutenant Schrank: Boy oh boy! As if this neighborhood wasn’t crummy enough! [Pleasantly, to the Jets] Now look, fellas. Let’s be reasonable. If I don’t get a little law and order around here, I get busted down to a traffic corner. And your friend don’t like traffic corners. So that means you’re gonna start making nice with the PRs from now on. [Grabs A-Rab by the shoulder] I said nice, get it? Because if you don’t, and I catch any of you doing any more brawlin’ in my territory, I’m gonna personally beat the living crud out of each and every one of you and see that you go to the can and rot there. Say good-bye to the nice boys, Krupke.

Officer Krupke (William Bramley): Good-bye, boys.

Lieutenant Schrank and Officer Krupke depart…

Snowboy (Bert Michaels): [mimicking Krupke] “Goodbye, boys.”

Action (Tony Mordente): [mimicking Shranke] “You hoodlums don’t own the streets.”

Snowboy: “Go play in the park!”

Action: “Keep off of the grass.”

Ice (Tucker Smith): “Get outta the house!”

Action: “Keep off the block!”

A-Rab (David Winters): “Get outta here!”

Action: “Keep off of the world!” A gang that don’t own the street is nothin’!

Riff (Russ Tamblyn): WE DO OWN IT!

Someone who feels inferior functions and operates with a mindset of lack and limitation.  Lack of love, lack of money, lack of recognition, lack of safety or security, lack of understanding, lack of control, etc..  And, they constantly and continually see obstacles – limitations to address or fix their deep-seated, often sub-conscious feelings of lack.

People that feel inferior experience the pain of powerlessness and naturally develop coping mechanisms, again often subconsciously, to self-medicate this pain. Everyone would rather experience pleasure as opposed to its opposite, pain, and health as opposed to its opposite, disease (or dis-ease).  The same applies to how people typically address feelings of inferiority – they naturally, but unfortunately, pursue feelings of superiority.

The problem that then ensues is how those that wish or need to feel superior treat others.  For to feel superior, you must treat others as inferior to yourself and these actions breed arrogance, disdain, condescension, ridicule, blame, self-righteousness, domination, etc., ALL OF WHICH LEAD TO CONFLICT!!

If you are on the receiving end of such behavior and are not EMPOWERED, you will not be very happy and the feelings of despair and helplessness will set in, causing you to naturally seek the more pleasing but equally unhealthy feelings accompanied by a sense of superiority.  This intensifies and increases conflict, causing a vicious non-productive cycle to kick in….

The inferiority/superiority game keeps people in a constant state of conflict. Thus, to quell, minimize, and eliminate conflict you must ultimately eliminate feelings of inferiority. Sometimes feelings of inferiority are very subtle and not easy to spot or become aware of as they lie deep beneath the surface (such as the need for approval). The more profound the feelings of inferiority and the mental anguish that accompanies such feelings, the stronger the drive for superiority and the resultant manipulative behavior utilized to obtain it. And again, the two distinct but related manipulative behaviors that both seek the prize of superiority are BULLYISM and VICTIMHOOD

CAUSES OF CONFLICT

By Darren Hart on Posted in Bullies

The greater the feeling of inferiority that has been experienced, the more powerful is the urge to conquest and the more violent the emotional agitation.”

- Alfred Adler

Pretensions to moral superiority are devastatingly destructive.”

- Mary Douglas

My favorite musical and one of my favorite movies is WEST SIDE STORY.

The timeless and tragic love story illustrates quite profoundly two of the most prevalent causes of conflict in human relations – feelings of INFERIORITY and/or SUPERIORITY.  The result in the movie is intolerance, hatred and gang warfare.

There is an often considered linear continuum about insanity and genius in which insanity is placed at the far left of the continuum and genius is placed at the far right, indicating that the two states of mind are polar opposites.  While such a continuum appears as a logical comparison, there are many that believe the linear continuum is not accurate or truly reflective of the real nature of insanity and genius, but that a circular continuum in which insanity and genius sit on the continuum next to each other, indicating the deep seated similarities between the two, is a far more accurate comparison.

This principle is equally applicable to inferiority and superiority which are better visually compared on a circular continuum versus a linear continuum as they are essentially one in the same.

The popular phrases INFERIORITY COMPLEX and SUPERIORITY COMPLEX manifest themselves in the same types of decisions, behaviors and actions by those who suffer from such complexes. All of us at one time or another have felt inferior and/or superior to another person or group of people.  The decisions, behaviors and actions that flow from such feelings can be categorized into two distinct groups all of which result in, whether conscious or subconscious or whether passive or aggressive, MANIPULATIVE BEHAVIOR.  Two distinct groups of manipulative behavior that flow from feelings of inferiority and/or superiority are VICTIMHOOD and BULLYISM, both of which are often fueled in our society by INDIFFERENCE.

An examination and fuller understanding of Inferiority, Superiority, Victimhood, Bullyism and the fuel of Indifference needs to be done and appreciated by anyone who truly wishes to be EMPOWERED….